The Sound of Butterflies
At the beginning I started my channel at Telegram without pictures.
But when began to add them, I could not stop. This is my mood, my
world, my emotions, my delight.

This page contains photos that I took from September 2018 to June 2019. And they are illustrated with the text from my Telegram.
Masha Shmitova
I even thought to stay here
One day your beloved husband with whom you lived for almost 12 years says staring at the wall: "We have to divorce". And you petrify.

Because nothing foretold this. Because one month ago you both worked on a new being creation that is to be an improved version of you both.

You are mute for a moment looking at him and then shout out "Fuck you!", grab a coat and ban the door. You spin the house perimeter and realize that you do not want to go anywhere and see anybody; you want to throw yourself on his neck and urgently make sure that all this is a bad dream. And you are back home where he sits on the shower floor under the running hot water, take off the clothes and sit by him. And you both cry for the next 40 minutes bracing each other.
We decided not to pronounce the word "divorce" for a month. To wait and see what would happen. But we did not hold out a month – after 10 days he said that he would move away and soon started to look for a new apartment.

In 14 days I wished myself that he would leave, 'cause it was unbearably hard and sad to be near him. We were suffering and falling into bottomless pit without holding hands anymore.
For 12 years one only man existed on the Earth planet. My husband Andrey. Believe it or not but this happens. I did not look at other men. Could state somebody handsomeness. It is the same as to say: Keanu Reeves is handsome. So what? And that's all.

Naturally, when the hole porridge started to boil, I was grabbed by fear – I would remain alone (because there is only one man on the planet and he is not with me any longer).

The fear dispersed gradually, thanks to high technologies (Tinder!). To go dating was more dreadful than to go to the first form at school for the first time.
Yesterday you were married and today you are at the psychologist's and on Bumble.
Staying alone in the flat after the husband had moved away was not at all funny. Sorrow at the breath in, dispiritedness at the breath out.

At this moment my best friend Mark – 8 years of perfect pure friendship – says: "My soul, why moping there? Move to our place with Alex, the third bedroom is vacant".

Blast! To move to the flat with two men. What will people say?

Still there are only pluses in such neighborhood. Alex is an American and due to that everybody speaks English at home, and he runs marathons – hurray! I will have a running buddy. Every meeting with Mark ends with "we haven't discussed everything as always". Now we'll have time for covering everything. A housekeeper comes twice a week and good wine is at disposal. Agreed!

In a month after we applied for the divorce, at 9.30 on Saturday morning I flooded with tears Tverskoy marriage office in the very heart of Moscow. Our marriage was officially over.

I was crying and could not stop. I was signing the papers and dropping tears at it. The woman officer said that it is so painful for her to see me crying and that she would cry out in a moment, and that the state should do something in respect to family to finish with divorces.
There were 3 days in December when I did not cry.
''I hate to undress on stage." Said the man who I see the fourth time in my life and three out of them almost without any clothes. It happens so when your friend is an actor. I am not against watching as he is a handsome man. I got to Saint Petersburg specially for this and went to Sasha's play. Even two.

Actually I came here to visit one of my girlfriends, but asked Sasha in advance about the dates of his performances.

— Masha, does Sasha undress at every performance or he just invites his acquaintances to such plays? — asked my friend Olya when we were watching him undressing on stage for the second time that week.

We know each other for years, but I was married all these years (as usual). I always considered Sasha to be pretty though. Even watched one of the TV series season where he played. Well a married girl still can watch a film with Jude Law because she likes the way he looks. So... the same with Sasha.

Krasnaya Plyana
From 38 back to 23
Mountains heel.
Especially when you go there in the company of friends.
And meet the boy with whom you got to know each other when you was 23.
He looked the same as 15 years ago. Parted with his girl. And the next 14 hours we spent together. And all this time I was 23 again.

Between some people it sparkes so fiercely that in a bit it will flame out. They cannot just stay worthly and nobly in a public place – they run as fast as they can somewhere, no matter where, to under a bridge, to a shed, it does not matter, like Vanessa Paradi and Daniel Auteuil in the film "A Girl on the Bridge".

— Do you know what I want?
— The same as me.
— Then just now, anywhere.

My story in not like this.

Nobody is running anywhere, nobody is trembling and nobody faints from desire. It is absolutely different. I feel enveloping and cradling comfort in his presence, and physical intimacy dissolves the borders of my body shell.

Would like to know if we meet again in 15 years or earlier?
When you realize if something that you like is temporary, you value it much more.
Though I made decision to return to Sydney only by January, I continued to tell everybody including myself that I would flew there on February 11th.

It is much more easy. You do not have to made any decisions, to look for any variants. You are like in the weightlessness. "Why are you leaving?" – they asked – "You will be absolutely alone there." That worried me. But I felt that I could not remain here. I wanted to start everything anew.
I had illusion that is I stayed we would have all the chances to mend everything. But it dissolved by itself during these 4 months.
I was returning alone

— Do you remember that we married on the 5 of March?
— … I forgot.
— And I remember. But forgot what year.

Like a shot to the head. Thanks for reminding me. At this time of night.
As if the lightning struck me: he is not my boy any longer (in 12 years me also got accustomed to be somebody's girl; and now I am nobody's). It seemed that I not only opened my eyes, but came to a sitting position immediately.

Looks like everything is clear. And it is time to put up with it. Six months have passed. Still it is shock.

Got out of bed and went jogging. Well, let a tear, of course, while running.
I was in different emotional stages during these months. I was telling myself that what I was feeling would pass. This is a temporary state. Temporary thoughts. Sometimes it was fearful because emotions were so strong and so obsessive that it was not possible to tear myself from them.
And now I am again like in an American comedy or drama. There are such classical scenes that sometimes (actually rear) incarnate in reality. Like, when you fell into a taxi and shout: "Follow that car!".

Or when you call your friend:

— Vlad, hi. What are you doing? I have to get drunk. Now. He is going to marry. Andrey is to marry.
— Get here!

By the end of one hour meditation my mind was pulsating convulsively, squeezing and unsqueezing, as if bumping at scalp box walls. It became unbearable to sit motionless and concentrate on breathing not allowing the thoughts we elope me. Waves of despair started rolling on me making my whole body strain.

"I cannot any longer! Cannot!" – everything seemed to shout inside me. Just a moment… I cannot what? I cannot sit motionless not thinking about anything in a quiet, warm, cozy place with candles and tasty smells, in a place where balm crickets chirr outside? In a place where monks that excel calmness are sitting in several meters from me? I cannot bear all this? Stop hysterics.

I wanted the time fly quicker. And I began to dwell on pleasant things unconsciously. But from time to time I came back to myself and recalled that I was here not for this. I was here to master meditation technique of presence in the moment. Conscious diversion to thoughts is like coming into a gym to do dumbbells, and instead of that was standing just staring at them.
When you are in relations you can do all the best for yourself and your partner. And do not expect anything. But this is complicated. Due to that it is easier to practice mindfulness without relations.
We followed him in procession into the monastery garden, where he invites us to settle on the grass or chairs. Lama sat on a metal green small chair in front of a dark red bush. He seemed to choose exactly this place as if on purpose so we can admire the idyllic picture. From under the terracotta mantel a sleeve was hanging exactly the same color as the marron foliage behind him, and his skin harmonized with light brown leaves on the grass. A light wind swiveled the bush branches and fantasy shades of the midday sun were flowing over his face

I think Lama gave me home task to learn how to let go. Otherwise how to explain that soon after retreat I met him – a boy with golden hair.
Sunsets and sunrises
Maroubra is like magnet. It was the first Australian beach that I saw. We lived for several months in the district with Andrey. And Mahon pool was our favourite. For a long time everything reminded me of him. But I wanted to come here without feeling pain.

I was here again. And fell in love here. All the sunrises and sunsets became mine. And now Maroubra is my place.
If it does not get your blood rushing, why would you even bother.
— May be this is too strait, but it is important for me to say this. These four days were wonderful, and I don't want to stop at this. I want to know you better. The question is whether this is mutual.
— That is something I would enjoy as well. But as you know I won't be here for long and have this girl waiting for me in Europe. But we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
— I know the circumstances. From the Buda point of view we can look upon this as practice of the presence in the moment.
— I have never considered myself to be a Buddhist. But as you said yesterday
that could change just based on my personal decision. Let's experience the moment then :)
I have to thank you, you are a wonderful unexpected fairy that suddenly appeared.
Our days were filled with morning meets at 6.30, cappuccino with almond milk, walks, jumps into icy water followed by hot shower after, sunrises at the beach, talks, kisses, whisky, sunsets, endless messages at daytime and laugh. He was always late for work. For a couple of hours. And I missed calls from recruit agents. We were looking at each other and laughing. All the time.
My little fairy...
I never want to leave.
There is no reason for me to leave. Yet I know, I will go, as this is what I have been told and learn to accept, is expected from me.
Maybe leaving simply means less drama. Going back to a city I know, an apartment that I have lived in before. An environment that will not need a long time to adapt to again. We will never know. It is the simple solution. I feel like running away.
— I will say it only once, and we will not discuss this. And don't say anything, ok?
— Yes.
— I do not want you to leave.

My little prince with golden hair. My blue-eyed boy with color tattoos, with whom we swam in rosy-golden cold sunrises and could not inhale enough of each other.

I will miss you.

Gingerbread house
In June I moved to Ester
I met singer Ester in Darlo bar, where I once spent a month realizing my dream of bartender job. I immediately liked this diva with curls and glistering boots.
Turns out she's looking for a housemate. And I'm looking for a room.
I did not want Ian to come to my new house. I did not want anything to remind me of him after he left. But the next day I moved in his motorbike was parked at the entrance.
We drew an enormous color chalk flower on the kitchen wall.
We spent 48 hours together. Time as if froze specially for us.
We chattered and kissed.
He showed me his favourite bar and a couple of restaurants.
We watched sunset in the park looking upon the City, where he was not before.
Got drunk at his place.
Had pancakes in a café at Maroubra.
I woke later than him for the first time.
We drove his car to the new owner to the other part of the city and endlessly long returned back.
We drew a huge flower with color chalk on the my kitchen wall.
I cannot say how many times we made love.
I saw him crying.
We visited a Russian store, where I bought a small Napoleon cake for dinner with my friends.
Tommy (my singer flat mate boy friend) taught me to cook stir fry, and Ian cut onions and ginger. We drank champagne and beer that tasted like grapefruit.
We hold hands walking along a street.
He stayed for a night at my place for the first time.
We wanted to go jogging in the morning, but I had no energy nor mood.
We had breakfast in by favourite café, where I was always alone before, at the Queen street.
The day Ian flew home one of my blog followers – Jana from Vancouver (what a coincidence, they have the same name) – asked me my home address and ordered a bottle of champagne delivery for me. Small wonders happen.
— Well, in case you divorced but did not start writing Telegram channel, do you think your life would have been as colourful and a little bit insane as now? For example, could you imagine that you would move to a singing girl who you met in a bar? I believe that desire to write a lot and interestingly about your life adds adventurism.
— I could always entertain myself. Though I did not write about it before.
— Yes, that's clear that without ground one cannot become energizer. But when I read your channel I think that you are specially looking for adventures.

And this is true! I noticed that some things I do with a purpose to make a story. I am not looking for negative experience and adventures. I am putting coloured bids of impressions onto my everyday string.

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